Recently I read somewhere a girl writing about depression.
She had had it, wrote a book about it. Dont get me wrong, I love her for it. but she says it an irrational voice in ones head?
irrational and narrow minded??
giiiirl, not so sure. It sounds pretty rational to me. Yes you have good reasons to be afraid of the future.
Here at 4 am I feel it. Strange. Foreign to my own body.Like all potentional had evaborated from my body. Claustrophobic. But I know my tools.
I get up and grab my fork, start my routine fence battle with depression with one arm on the back. ARGHHH I yell as I get a blow in my ribs - Depression is an condition in our postmodern capitalist society losing faith in its future. NO! I dont need you. I can live outside of you!
I get up make my neck and spine long in this silly fence dance, quick on my feet. NO! Because, because I am better than that.
But I see my friends fall, busy times is described as the nondepression time, we look each other in the eye. You are doing allright lately arent you??? But there is very little busy times for the unemployed.
I have decided to blow up netflix.
My dear friend told me the other day that she figured out what is wrong with western society. You look far to far into the future. you practically live there man. no wonder you are depressed. I mean I get it. But couldnt we rest ourselves in the moment for a bit.
- Darling, I wished it was so.
In my dreams, my friend turns into Lauren Oya Olamina, the betraying priest's daughter that sows seeds of the earth in people in a hopeless climate-changed world. God is Change she whispers sweet words in my ear. I see her smile, kissing all her fingertips, self-love is the most radical form of love. Women of color, you were always wiser, more fierce than me.
Another girlfriend confesses in her coffee cup that she is afraid to wear makeup because she is afraid of assault at night. I feel Audre Lorde on my tongue as I whisper into my own cup - Women are powerful and dangerous.
A friend and my mother says you cant safe the whole world. I believe them from time to time:
Tell you what.
Take your heart out,
Focus on the good stuff.
Like your nails look pretty today.
Read a nice book.
2666 - a story of femicide in Mexico. Funny how crime novels often have a female character dying.
The weather is pretty good today isnt it?
I know the pretending everything-is-fine face. I even use it regularly on my boyfriend
- You dont hold grudges?
- Naaaaah. Why would I? You only NEVER said sorry.
Hey. I have an idea:
Let's safe the world!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Aaaaand here we go:
"That will never work"
"You are pathetic"
"Don't waste your time"
"That is not the way things function"
"It is hopeless"
"It is going to be a very hard journey for you"
"You cant safe the whole world"
All those harmful words work as walls around themselves. As a perfect red brick wall. The kind you find in cartoons. The indestructible massive construction. The unbreakable shield that firm voices always have. Discourage is a taste you feel as you shallow, It's some kind of chemical reaction with saliva.
I cant believe this. I am calling you to act and your best answer is telling me it will never work.
Its like saying it will never work because YOU will not support it! that YOU dont find the struggle important or vital enough for your efforts.
- Allies. please.
HOW CAN YOU NOT LOOK AROUND YOU?? Bullshit. If you stopped your moral support and started fighting it might be easiere.
Depression is a mashucistic gift - you are angry? - feeling hopeless? - desperate? - lonely? - small? Good. The system is MEANT for you to feel powerless. So lets freaking fight this. Pick up a torch sib we need to make some noise, put some light on this.
You know I am not even a good feminist. I put on a face-peel mask today that my instagram showed me months ago. Dont get me wrong, I love my pimples they are mine. but still.
... Turns out that mask takes out more facial hair than grease skin.
''They call us into a "screening". There was a big, white screen set up. Everyone sat down expectantly. We thought we were going to see a movie. Instead, The prime minister came onto the screen. He said, 'You will NEVER be settled in this country. The government will NEVER change its mind. You will NEVER call this country your home. Think of your families. Don't waste your lives here. Go back to your countries.'
Everyone began wailing, and some people hit themselves, screamed and cried. That night, a hundred people tried to kill themselves.''
It's a crime against life to die by one's own hand.
Emo where are you?
Punk was always good for anger. Even good for suicides. I mean we have seen the angry young man before right. angry at the system, angry at police, angry at their fathers, mothers. Authorities.
I wish I could just join you. Can we be an alliance? I cant just fight alone forever.
Do you know that feeling when you heart gets tired of bleeding, of compassion, of critique. Sigh.
Then I listen to The Minds of 99. I can hear the sigh of every man I every confronted with sexism. I share it in this moment. Another critique, another thing I have to be better at.
I sigh. I remember there is no such thing as a good feminist. I close my eyes and remember I dont isolate myself. I remember how coffee breaks with friends makes so much sense.
I remember someone told me the thing they feared the most was complete isolation. Yet the punk culture.... didnt it, like, was a community for people that felt isolated?
Mass suicide. happens for many reasons.
Men's sperm quality is falling steady in these years. Are you stressed? depressed? like me? Dont think too much about it. Or let us!
Sometimes finding the right argument is hard. Like... I KNOW I am right. I feel it. I know feelings are dangerous.
Why does so many young men kill themselves?
They say it is a cry for help. I am here. I am listening. But I cant listen to everything.... FUCK.
I cant carry this world on my shoulders. I need allies. I miss men that understand.
FUCK Minds of 99, Even they dont know how to make a equal... fucking, band picture. Is the "front" singer the most important person in the band?
Like I feel stuck.
There is problems everywhere.... I just dont know how to help. Can I smile a bit maybe?
Maybe the boy model will not help me afterall.
Maybe fanfic will.
Its like for a new business model : collective responsability and care
After my son Nasser was imprisoned. I dont see anything beautiful in front of me anymore. I planted all these trees for Nasser.
Mother. The caretaker of life. The manager of deaths. Mothers rarely commit suicide. Maybe they feel the wait of the world on them. Knowing this world with crumble without them.
Places without escape routs is like letting slavery take you. Happy comfy slavery?